I’m slowly realizing that “translating” Journey to the West into a modern novel style is much more like making an adaptation, and thus, is taking a lot longer than expected. At the same time, trying to stay faithful to the original is extremely limiting. For example, the original JttW almost never tells us what characters are thinking, whereas many modern novels spend a ton of time in their characters’ heads. Narration style also doesn’t change how I translate names of characters and places, or how the characters talk to each other, or what these story settings look like, so even with trying to write in a modern style, the story still comes off as very ancient Chinese. Nevertheless, there are some things I did change. Here is the first paragraph in Chapter 4.1 in both styles side-by-side.
Original Style
Old Gold Star Taibai and the Handsome Monkey King left Shuilian Cave together upon their clouds. Now Wukong’s somersault cloud isn’t your typical cloud: it’s extremely fast. He quickly left the Gold Star behind and arrived first in front of the North Heavenly Gate. He stowed his cloud and prepared to enter, but he was stopped by Lord Zengzhang, Heavenly King of the South, leading Guards Pang, Liu, Gou, Bi, Deng, Xin, Zhang, and Tao, armed with spears, dao, swords, and halberds, blocking the Gate and refusing to let him enter.
Modern Novel Style
The Handsome Monkey King and old Gold Star Taibai ascended their clouds bound for Heaven. Wukong’s somersault cloud was especially swift. He quickly left the Gold Star behind and arrived alone in front of the South Heavenly Gate, planted solidly upon the firmament of Heaven. Pillars like majestic trees fanned out from the great doors of polished viridian jade. Besides each pillar, Lord Zengzhang, Heavenly King of the South, and his regiment stood at attention, armored in shining gold and clutching halberds, segmented whips, swords, and dao. Wukong jumped off his cloud eagerly, but the guards scowled and crossed their halberds with a clang, blocking his way.
Just in this paragraph, here are some decisions I made to adapt the text:
1. The author talks directly to the reader: “Now, Wukong’s cloud isn’t your typical cloud.” I changed this because I don’t want to assume that the reader knows that all immortals get around on clouds, and because I’m trying not to talk directly to the reader.
2. In the original text, there’s no description of what Heaven looks like until 5 more paragraphs down. I split that later description into “outside the gate” and “inside the gate”, and placed part of it here. In modern novels, I think we typically get a description (or a sense of the atmosphere) when we first arrive in a space. JttW does not do atmosphere. So if the description seems a little sparse, 
sorry, that’s all the original text gives us.
3. I cut out the names of the guards. In Chinese, I think there’s a sense of grandeur in seeing all of these guards, but in English, I thought the long list of foreign names was distracting.
4. “Eagerly” and “scowled” are purely my additions. Descriptions of emotions in the text are “happily,” “very happily,” “angrily,” and the like. Relate to this, there are only two or three words for “said,” throughout the original JttW, and all of them just mean “said.” There is now “whispered,” or “murmured,” or “cheered.” All of those are my additions. The action of crossing the halberds is also my addition.
So apologies if Chapter 4 comes out much most slowly than the others did. There are way more decisions to be made than before. But it’s been very instructive so far, and I hope you’re enjoying it 🙂
Etymology Adventures 