Short posts are better than no posts!
No matter what else he may be, the Great Sage, Equal to Heaven was a monkey.1 He didn’t know what officials’ ranks meant and he didn’t care about salary. He only cared that his title had changed. In the Great Sage Residence, immortals of the two offices attended him day and night. He ate three meals every day and had a bed to sleep on at night. He had no responsibilities, so he did whatever he wanted. He spent his free time meeting immortals and touring Heaven, making friends and forming alliances. When crossed paths with the Three Pure Ones, he addressed them as “Master,” and when he met the Four Thearchs, he called them “your Majesty.” The nine Heavenly Bodies, the Generals of the Five Directions, the twenty-eight Constellations, the four Heavenly Kings, the twelve Hours, the five Elders, all Star Spirits of Heaven, the assembly of the Milky Way – he treated them all as brothers and addressed them as such.2,3 On one day he would be wandering the east, the next day traveling the west, coming and going on his cloud, never staying in one place.
One day, during the morning assembly of the Jade Emperor’s court, Master Jingyang4 came before the Jade emperor with the following report: “Currently the Great Sage, Equal to Heaven, as he has nothing to do, has been going around making friends with all of the constellations without regard to their rank. I am afraid that he might make trouble. May I suggest that your Majesty assign him a task to keep him busy?”
Upon hearing this, the Jade Emperor immediately issued a summons. The monkey king happily reported to the court, saying “Your Majesty. Have you summoned Old Sun here for some reward or promotion?”5
The Jade Emperor said, “We see that you have been aimless with nothing to do, and bestow upon you an assignment. You are the new administrator of the Immortal Peach Orchard. See that you care for it properly.” The Great Sage happily thanked the emperor with loud salutes and took his leave.
Wukong went eagerly to the Immortal Peach Orchard to see it for himself. The earth spirit6 of the orchard stopped him at the entrance, asking, “Where is the Great Sage going?”
An earth spirit in the Black Myth: Wukong trailer. 
An earth spirit from Lotus Lantern.
The Great Sage said, “I was appointed by the Jade Emperor as the new administrator of the Immortal Peach Orchard. I’ve come to take a look around.” The earth spirit belatedly saluted him and summoned the strong men7 in charge of weeding, transplanting trees, training trees, and cleaning to come pay their respects to the Great Sage and to welcome him into the orchard.
That orchard teemed with tender, gentle, vibrant colors. Every tree was filled with luminous blossoms. Every tree was laden with fruit. The fruit-laden branches bent toward the ground, the blossom filled canopies brimmed with crimson. The trees, untouched by seasons, perpetually blossomed, perpetually fruited, producing ripe fruit for ten thousand generations. The ripe fruit flushed like a face with drink;8 the unripe fruit skin still stem green. Mist wafted thickly through the greenery, the light shone through to reveal immortal beauty. Underfoot, exotic flowers entwined with strange plants that never withering in any season. To the right and left towers served as buildings and residences. Rainbows and clouds usually hung twisting in the air. These are no trees of the mortal realms or Underworld, they were cultivated by the Queen Mother,9 the Jade Empress10 herself.
The Great Sage inspected the orchard for a long time and asked the earth spirit: “How many trees are there?”
The earth spirit said, “There are three thousand six hundred trees in all. The twelve hundred nearest the entrance have small flowers and small fruit. The peaches ripen every three thousand years. Those who eat of these fruits become immortals and understand the Way, with healthy bodies and light forms. The middle twelve thousand trees blossom in layers and produce sweet fruits. They ripen every six thousand years. Those who eat of these fruits fly with the mists and never grow old. The twelve thousand trees at the far back produce fruits with purple streaks and yellow pits. These ripen every nine thousand years. Those that eat of these fruits live as long as the heavens and earth and have the lifespan of the sun and moon.”
The Great Sage was extremely pleased to hear this and spent that whole day getting to know those trees and visiting the buildings and residences before returning to the Great Sage Residence. From then on, he visited the orchard every three to five days and didn’t wander around making friends anymore.11
One day, Wukong saw that the peaches were all ripening on the oldest trees. He wanted to see what they tasted like, but he was always accompanied by the earth spirit, the strong men of the orchard, and the officials of the Great Sage Residence, so he came up with a plan and said, “All of you go wait outside and let me rest here in this pavilion for a short while.” It worked; the attending immortals really did take their leave. The monkey king took off his cap and clothes, climbed a big tree, picked many of the biggest, ripest peaches, and enjoyed them right there in the tree until he was full. Then he jumped down, put on his cap and clothes, and summoned the immortals back to the Great Sage Pavilion. Two or three days later, he again schemed to steal peaches for himself to enjoy.
1 Specifically, a yao monkey. But monkey is the important part. ↩
2 He is doing the bare minimum in terms of hierarchical respect – relatively treating everyone as equal. So of course Heaven, which relies on hierarchy, freaks out a bit. ↩
3 I’m not sure who all of these Daoist gods are. We’ll get into explanations if they show up as actual characters, and not just a list. ↩
4 A Daoist master ↩
5 I have toned down the arrogance from the original text. This actually said ‘What reward have you summoned me here for?’ ↩
6 Earth Spirit, or Soil Gods, are more of a ‘species’ of spirit than a name, so I’ve left it lowercase. They are local protectors of the land, and are always popping out of and into the ground. ↩
7 There MUST be an English word for a strong man who is a laborer, but why do they all connotate low intelligence? ↩
8 Yes, like Asian flush. This metaphor would not work so well in the Western world. ↩
9 The most common name for the wife of the Jade Emperor translates directly to King-Mother, but I can’t imagine these two as parents somehow. ↩
10 She’s never called Jade Empress in Chinese, but her real name doesn’t make her relationship to the Jade Emperor clear. ↩
11 Mission… accomplished? ↩
Etymology Adventures 