Hi, I’m back. I had a baby!
The Great Sage muttered a spell, shook himself, and turned into the exact likeness of the Barefoot Immortal. He flew toward the Turquoise Pool on his trusty cloud. Before long, he arrived at the Treasure Pavilion, lowered his cloud, and snuck inside.
The base of the Treasure Pavilion was veiled in swirling incense and auspicious mist. Woven knots1 of many colors adorned the jade platform. Within the mist, shadowy forms of phoenixes and pheasants soared, and silhouettes of golden blossoms and jade stems undulated. Overhead, a carved screen depicting nine phoenixes in vermillion clouds hung between pillars painted with eight treasures. Jasper bowls of a thousand blossoms sat on colorful gilded tables. The tables were laid with platters of dragon liver and phoenix marrow, bear paw and gorilla lips.2 Hundreds of delicacies were made to delight; exotic fruits and meats were served to astonish.
None of the immortals had arrived yet, and everything was still set in its place. As the Great Sage took everything in, he was suddenly hit by the sweet fragrance of wine. He turned around and saw in the hallway several heavenly winemakers and stewards supervising attendants and servant boys scrubbing wine jugs and cauldrons. The jade liquor, the jasper spirits, the fragrant liqueur and the immortal wine were already done. The Great Sage could not stop his mouth from watering and resolved to do something about all of the people in the hallway. He worked his magic, pulled out a few hairs, chewed the hairs into tiny pieces, spat them into the air, and cried “Change!” The hairs turned into slumberflies3 that flew at the servants’ faces.
Look at them all, their hands going slack, their heads drooping, their eyes closing. One by one they all fell asleep. The Great Sage took his choice of delicacies and tidbits went into the hallway. He settled down next to the urns of wine and ate and drank himself silly. After a while he was full and very drunk. “This is no good, no good,” he mumbled to himself, “Soon the guests will arrive, and they’ll see what I’ve done. They’ll catch me, and that’ll be it for me. I should go home now and sleep this off.”
The Great Sage set off unsteadily, stumbling and staggering. He took a wrong turn and found himself not at the Great Sage Residence, but instead at the Doushuai Temple. In a flash of lucidity he said, “Doushuai Temple? That’s Griefless Heaven,4 the highest of the thirty-three levels of Heaven, the home of the Venerable Lao Tzu. How did I end up here? Whatever, whatever! I’ve been meaning to visit the old man and haven’t found the time. Since I’m here, I might as well pay him a visit!” He straightened his clothes and let himself in, but Lao Tzu was nowhere to be seen. There was no sign of life. It turns out that Lao Tzu and the Buddha of the Burning Lantern were giving a lecture at the three-storied Vermillion Mound Alchemy Terrace. All of the immortals – youths, generals, officials, and ministers – were attending the lecture. The Great Sage saw no one on his way to the distilling room. Inside the room, a fire was lit next to the hearth under the still. On either side of the brazier were five calabash bottles, each filled with golden pearls of immortality. The Great Sage was very pleased and said “These are the immortals’ greatest treasure. Ever since Old Sun understood the Way and realized the singular nature of the internal and external, I’ve wanted a few of these pearls for others’ sake. Who would have thought I would have been so busy! Today must be my lucky day to have chanced upon these things today. Since Lao Tzu’s not here, let’s try a few and see what they taste like.” He upturned and emptied every bottle and ate the golden pellets like peanuts.5
1 In Chinese, the word for knot has the same sound as the word for holiday. Many knots like this are used as decoration during festivals and are considered lucky. ↩
2 Chinese people eat everything, the weirder the better. ↩
3 This is a fictional insect that translates literally as dozing bugs. ↩
4 I’ve used Anthony Yu’s translation here. The literal translation is Left Regret Behind Heaven. ↩
5 The actual text says like stir fried beans, but in the west people don’t generally snack on beans, so I went with peanuts. ↩
Etymology Adventures 