Suddenly, full of pearls and sober, he said to himself, “Shit, that’s bad.1 This time the trouble I’ve caused is bigger than heaven, if the Jade Emperor hears of this that’ll be it for me. I’ve gotta get out of here.2 I might as well go be king down below!” He ran out of Doushuai Temple, and not wanting to go the way he came, left through the West Heavenly door, made himself invisible,3 and escaped. Descending his cloud, he went straight to Huaguo Mountain. He was met by the flash of steel and waving banners. As it happens, the four advisors and seventy-two yao lords were at that moment holding military exercises.
“Little ones,” the Great Sage called out, “I’ve come back!”
The crowd of yaos dropped their weapons and knelt down, calling “Great Sage, you’re so carefree! You left us here for such a long time and you never once visited to see how we were doing!”
The Great Sage said, “It wasn’t so long, no, not so long.” As he talked he went deep into the cave.
After the four advisors had prepared his room and paid their respects, they said, “Great Sage, these hundred or so years4 you’ve spent in Heaven, what office did you hold?”
The Great Sage laughed and said, “I remember being gone just half a year, why do you speak of a hundred some years?”
The advisors said, “One day in heaven is a year down below.”
The Great Sage said, “The good news is that I had the Jade Emperor’s favor. He really did appoint me as the Great Sage, Equal to Heaven. He built me a Great Sage Residence and created the Office of Peace and Quiet and the Office of Serene Spirit and assigned me immortal officials and guards. After a while he saw that I had nothing to do, so he made me guardian of the Immortal Peach Orchard. Recently, the Queen Mother of the West hosted an Immortal Peach Festival and did not invite me. I didn’t wait for her to invite me. I went to the Turquoise Pool, and secretly ate5 the immortal food and wine. When I left the Turquoise Pool, I staggered into Lao Tzu’s Palace by mistake, and stole and ate five gourds’ worth of Golden Pearls.6 I’m afraid the Jade Emperor’s will want to punish me, so just now I left through the Heavenly Gate and came back here.”
The crowd of yao found this hilarious.7 They called for wine and fruits to celebrate and raised up a stone bowl of coconut wine for the Great Sage. The Great Sage swallowed a mouthful, grimaced, and said, “Disgusting! Disgusting!”
Generals Beng and Ba came forward and said, “Great Sage ate and drank the food and wine of immortals, of course the coconut wine cannot compare. But it is, as they say, ‘beautiful or not, the water of home.’”
The Great Sage replied, “Then you are all, “dear or not, the people of home.” Just this morning at the Turquoise Pool I saw, in the great hall, many bottles and jars of jade liquor and jasper spirits. None of you have tried it before. Wait here, I’ll go and steal a few bottles so you can each have half a cup, and we shall all never grow old.”
The assembled monkeys were beside themselves with glee. The Great Sage left the cave, somersaulted into the air, used his spell of invisibility, and went to the Immortal Peach Festival. At the Turquoise Pool, he saw that the winemakers, the dishwashers, the servants who bring the water and tend the fire, they were all still snoring. He took two bottles, clamping one under each armpit, and grabbed two more in his hands, then turned his cloud around. In the cave he and the other monkeys held an “Immortal’s Wine Banquet,” each drinking a few cups. We shall leave them now to their drinking and feasting.
We turn now to the rainbow maidens, who were trapped by the Great Sage’s paralysis spell for a full week.8 Carrying their baskets, they returned to report to the Queen Mother of the West. “The Great Sage used a spell to trap us, causing us to be delayed.”
“How many peaches did you pick?” the Queen inquired.9
The maidens said, “Only two baskets of small peaches and three baskets of medium peaches. At the back of the orchard, we didn’t find even a single large peach.10 We suspect the Great Sage has stolen and eaten them all. While we were searching, the Great Sage suddenly appeared and violently threatened your servants and then asked about the invited guests of the banquet. We told him of the previous banquet, and then he cast the paralysis spell on us and left to go we know not where. Only now have we woken from the spell and returned here.”
The Queen Mother listened to all of this and went to see the Jade Emperor. Before she had finished telling him all that had happened, the winemakers, along with the heavenly guards, arrived to make a report to the Emperor.
“An unknown person has wreaked havoc upon the Immortal Peach Festival, stolen the jade liquor and jasper spirits, and eaten the eight delicacies and hundred dainties.”11
Four Daoist masters appeared to report: “The Venerable Patriarch of the Way has arrived.”
The Jade Emperor and the Queen Mother immediately went out to welcome him. After greeting their Majesties, Lao Tzu said, “In this humble old Daoist’s temple, I have distilled some Nine-Cycle Pearls of Immortality for your Majesty’s use in the Cinnabar Festival.12 Unexpectedly, these have been stolen by some thief. I have come to inform your Majesty of this.”
The Jade Emperor was stunned by this news. A short while later, still more heavenly officials arrived, reporting: “Great Sage Sun has not been fulfilling his duties. He went out yesterday on a break and has not returned. We do not know where he went.”
By this time the Jade Emperor had his suspicions, when the Barefoot Immortal arrived to make yet another report. “Yesterday, by invitation from the Queen Mother, your servant was on my way to the Festival when I chanced upon the Great Sage, Equal to Heaven, who told me that your Majesty had decreed we go first to the Palace of Transcendence for the opening ceremony and then go to the banquet. At his direction your servant returned to the Palace of Transcendence but did not see your Majesty’s dragon chariot or phoenix carriage, so I hurried here to await your edict.”
The Jade Emperor grew still more alarmed, and said, “This fellow falsely proclaimed imperial edicts and deceived our honorable subjects. I command the Steward of Order to immediately investigate this matter and track this fellow down.”
1 Lit. Not good! Not good! ↩
2 Lit. Go! Go! Go! ↩
3 How many tricks does he have up his sleeve? ↩
4 Lit. hundred ten years, but that’s how Chinese estimates numbers. ↩
5 I’ve translated the Chinese phrase 偷吃, lit. steal eat, variously as secretly eat, steal and eat, and eat. It’s a single verb in Chinese. ↩
6 Remember, this is the Chinese equivalent of the elixir of life, but they’re solid. The word is 金丹, literally gold pellets. ↩
7 Lit. The assembled yao hearing this speech were big happy. ↩
8 This clearly says one week, but later on in the narrative they go on and on about things happening yesterday. ↩
9 No ‘are you okay?’ from this monarch. ↩
10 It literally says, ‘there wasn’t even half a large peach’ ↩
11 It literally means hundred flavors. ↩
12 The word for cinnabar 丹 and the word for pellet in the Elixir of Life 金丹 are the same. This is also the Elixir of Life Festival. ↩
Etymology Adventures 