On the Jade Emperor’s orders, Divine Officer Youyi and Immortal Master Yi traveled directly to the foothills of Soul Mountain, to the opulent Thunderclap Monastery and paid their respects to the four guardians1 and eight bodhisattvas and troubled them to pass on their message. The messengers followed the bodhisattvas to the gilded Lotus Platform at the back of the temple for an audience with the Buddha.
“What has happened, that the Jade Emperor has sent two gods to the mortal plane?” the Buddha asked.
The messengers recounted all that had happened, from the birth of the stone monkey to his two failed appointments, to his theft of the peaches and pearls, to his capture by Laozi and Erlang, to their inability to execute him, to the current situation.2 “That’s why the Jade Emperor has sent us here to beg your assistance.”
Buddha spoke to the bodhisattvas in attendance: “Wait here and do not disturb your meditations. I shall go work my magic and resolve this situation. I won’t be long.”
The Buddha, accompanied by monks Anuo and Jiaye, left Thunderclap Monastery and arrived outside Lingxiao Palace. They heard the sudden ear-piercing sound of yelling and found thirty-six thunder gods surrounding the Great Sage.
“Let the thunder gods cease their battle and let the Great Sage out of the barricade. Let me find out what power he really has,” the Buddha said.
The thunder gods immediately retreated. The Great Sage also withdrew his magic, returning to his original state. Furious, he challenged: “What righteous hero dares stop my battles to question me?”
The Buddha laughed. “I am the monk Siddhartha Gautama of the Western Paradise. Emituofo. Today I heard about your repeated rampages in heaven. Where did you grow up, and when did you find the Way, that you have become so violent and unreasonable?”
The Great Sage said, “I am:3
A sage formed of heaven and earth
An old ape of flowers and fruit.
Shuilian Cave I call my home
Friends and masters have enlightened me
Long life and magic come from practice
Transformation and power come from study
The mortal realms are too small for me
I’ve set my heart on conquering Heaven
Lingxiao won’t be forever his
Each generation gets its turn
If might is honor then the seat is mine
A hero must strive to compete and win.”
The Buddha laughed coldly. “You are merely a monkey who has just now awakened,” he said, “and you dare think so highly of yourself, wanting the Jade Emperor’s throne? He has cultivated himself since childhood, and struggled bitterly for 1,750 eras, each era lasting 129,600 years. Just think, how many years has he worked to now deserve this unlimited authority? You are merely an animal who has only achieved humanity this incarnation, and you boast thus? Blasphemy! Blasphemy! You will cut your lifespan short. Repent while you can and do not speak so. Else you will meet a vicious blow that will end your life in a second and your potential will be wasted.”
“Even if he has cultivated himself for so long, he should not have the throne forever.” The Great Sage argued. “As the saying goes, “take turns being Emperor, my turn comes next year.” Just tell him to move out and leave the palace to me, and that will be that. If he won’t give me the throne, I will keep wreaking havoc and there will never be peace.”
“Other than immortality and transformations, what other powers do you have, that you should rule over heaven?” the Buddha asked.
The Great Sage said, “I have many tricks. I have the power of 72 transformations and youth lasting ten-thousand eras. I have a somersault cloud that flies 108,000 li with one shake of the body. Why can’t I rule over heaven?”
The Buddha said, “Let’s make a bet, you and I. If you are truly skilled, and you can escape my right palm with one somersault, then you win. You no longer need to fight. I will invite the Jade Emperor to come live in the Western Heavens and leave the Heavenly Palace to you. If you cannot escape my palm, you shall return to the mortal realms and cultivate yourself for a few more eras before you cause any more trouble.”
The Great Sage smiled and thought, “This Buddha is a fool. Old Sun’s somersault cloud travels 108,000 li, and his palm is not even a foot in perimeter. How would I not be able to jump out of it?” and hurried said, “You will stand by what you say?”
The Buddha said, “I will. I will.” He extended his right hand. His palm was the size of a lotus leaf.
The Great Sage put away his Will-Abiding Staff, awakened his powers, and with a shake, stood in the palm of the Buddha’s hand, and called out, “I’m off!” He disappeared with a streak of cloud.
Buddha, with his infinite perception, saw that the Monkey King single-mindedly barreling forward like a chariot of wind. As he was going, the Great Sage suddenly saw five flesh-colored pillars rise up before him. Green mist hung in the air between them.
“This must be the end of the road,” the Great Sage said. “When I return, with the Buddha as my witness, I will soon be sitting in Lingxiao Palace!” Then he thought, “Wait. I should leave some kind of sign so I can prove it to that Buddha.”
He pulled out a hair, blew on it, and called out “Change!” It turned into an inkbrush dipped in thick black ink. He took it and wrote a line of large characters on the middle pillar: The Great Sage Equaling Heaven has visited this spot. After writing, he returned his hair to his body, and with no sense of propriety whatsoever, left a large puddle of monkey piss at the base of the first pillar. He somersaulted back to his original spot on the Buddha’s palm. “I have gone and returned,” he said. “Tell the Jade Emperor to give the palace to me.”
The Buddha scolded, “You piss-demon monkey! You never left the palm of my hand!”
“What do you know?” the Great Sage said. “I went to the edge of heaven and saw five flesh-colored pillars surrounded by green mist. I left a sign here. I dare you to come with me to see.”
“No need.” the Buddha said. “Look down.”
The Great Sage opened his gold-red eyes and looked down and found the words The Great Sage Equaling Heaven has visited this spot written on the middle finger of the Buddha’s right hand. From the base of the right thumb wafted the stink of monkey piss. The Great Sage cried out in surprise, “What is this? What is this? I wrote these words on the pillars that hold up the sky. Why are they on his finger? Can he see into the future? I don’t believe it! I need to go see for myself!”
That Great Sage! He shook himself to prepare to somersault away again, but the Buddha, with one flip of his hand, threw him out the West Heavenly Gate. His five fingers became the Gold, Wood, Water, Fire, and Earth Mountain peaks, now called the Five Elements Mountain, and pressed down upon the monkey king.
1 the word for guardian here – 金钢 – is also Chinese for King Kong, but I mostly associate it with Transformers (变形金刚) so I can’t help but imagining these guardians as giant robots lol ↩
2 I summarized. These guys actually went into everything. ↩
3 Attempts to make each line 7 syllables like the original. Gives up after three lines. ↩
Etymology Adventures 
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